Monday, August 29, 2011

Kick Drum Heart

Saturday morning, I dropped off Amy Noll at the airport in Atlanta for her to go study abroad a year in Spain.

I have been in a bit of a rotten mood for the last few weeks in anticipation of this day and I realized that I had been working so hard at holding it together, not letting the emotion of her departure get to me that I have not been a lot of fun to be around.

The last 18 months with Amy have not been the easiest to walk through since her brother died and I have not been paying any attention to that. At least not until Amy walked through the doors of the Atlanta airport.

Then, I drove about an hour down the road and started crying.
I realized what a friend she has been.
What a leader in other's lives she has been.
And how different our lives will be without her around.

None of this will be easy.
It really was like dropping my child off at college.
I have been praying like crazy for her and am so hopeful for many many things that will come her way in the next year.
But there is this space. This space that she took up (quite often) in our lives that is empty and now I have to figure out what is next.

While I was driving and feeling sorry for myself, I started listening to an NPR podcast called "All Songs Considered" and they asked the question: What Songs Make You Feel Good?
This was answered by their listeners and they had to explain why the particular song made them feel good, put a smile on their face or changed their mood.

It got me rolling again.
And thinking about my own songs. So here we go:

Ooh La La: by The Faces

This is super early Rod Stewart. Which means nothing, except it is crazy to hear his voice. I love this song because I think the lament fits at every stage of life "I wish I knew what I know now, when I was younger." "You have to learn and that's all there is to say..."

Vineyard: Jackopierce

Click on the button to go hear the song. This makes me think of college and I can't help but smile every single time I hear this song. It is actually impossible for me to 1) skip this song and 2) not sing it at the top of my lungs

Fat Bottomed Girl: Queen

Sue me. It gets me. I am hammering my steering wheel or pounding out the miles to the song on my ipod. I can't help it. I LOVE THIS SONG. Hard. I have since I can't remember when.

Dog Days Are Over: Florence and the Machine

This was part of the show I was listening to and it really has been one of my favorite songs for a year or so.
I love the idea that the Dog Days are Over. And there is no time to look back. It is so biblical in that approach to embrace today and not at the sadness that was. It is my wish for Amy Noll and my own wish for myself.
It strikes a nerve. And it has a killer drum beat.

Speaking of drum beat:

Kick Drum Heart: Avett Brothers

This explanation might sound dramatic, but whatever. Coming off of Matt's sabbatical, I know that we have been called to this ministry and to being in relationships with people-whatever form that might take. What happens in the middle of that sometimes is you end up getting kicked emotionally, but sometimes you find gold among the rocks. And I love the line where he says "it's not the chase I love, it's me following you." That is how I feel about this calling to people. I don't love chasing people for Jesus. I love following Jesus as he leads me and Matt and other Young Life leaders to hurting people to share with them how Jesus fits into their hurt and leads them to wholeness.

My life is like a kick drum. My heart gets so excited that it about pops out of my chest. But also, it hurts because sometimes it ends up getting kicked.

It is the give and take. And when you have to say good-bye to someone you love for either good or bad reasons, you take it . And the hurt has to be nursed for a little while. Not too long, but long enough to want to be healed.

So, I'm hurting. How could I not? Look at all of this life we've had with Amy:

And I'm excited.
There is a lot coming up for this little heart of mine.

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