Monday, August 24, 2009

35 Completely True Things

I just read this somewhere else and just had to edit a few things in order to repost it. Enjoy!

1. There is a great need for sarcasm font.

2. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

3. Bad decisions make good stories.

4. How in the world are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
If you need to know, click here! fold a fitted sheet

5. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

6. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

7. The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again

8. A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

9. Was learning cursive really necessary?

10. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.


11. Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

12. Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

13. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

14. Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"

15. What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

16. While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

17. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

18. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

19. I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

20. Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

21. If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

22. Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....

23. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

24. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

25. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

26. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

27. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

28. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

29. I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

30. Why is a school zone 15 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

31. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists. Except when I'm a cyclist.

32. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

33. It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

34. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

35. Changing the clock in my son's room so he thinks that 8 o'clock is really 7 is the most genius thing that I have accomplished in my adult life.

6 comments:

S. Spooner said...

that just had me snorting laughing in my office. Best post in a long time my friend. Hilarious. Today my coworker called me about a grant we are about to submit to point out that instead of mensuration, the act or art of measuring, which is a good word to be in this grant we had menstruation which is really rather awkward. So close yet so far away.

Rita said...

Wow. I too was dying laughing! Where did you get this??!! It's perfect. and so true on too many fronts!

kelly hipsher said...

O.M.G...those are ALL so true - sadly!! loved it :)

Michelle said...

This has kick-started my day in a beautiful way. I laughed so hard at all of it but especially 1,3,5,6,9, 10, 12, 13, 17, 20, 22, 24, 28, 31, 33 and 35.

ktbtodd said...

apparently the school districts in Cola don't think that #9 is necessary...they don't even teach it anymore...

gooddog said...

THAT was hilarious. THANKS!